Unwanted Rescue
by willwrite4fics
Summary: What are the odds that one of the ONLY POWs in Germany who doesn't want to be rescued would get rescued from his captors? With the poor luck certain RAF airmen have, pretty darned good odds! Includes the entire main cast.
1. Chapter 1

HH Unwanted Rescue

Colonel Hogan stood next to the wall of the ballroom watching his men setting up tables. Newkirk and Kinchloe were hauling large tables into place, being directed by an officious German in a terrible suit. Carter was shaking pristine white tablecloths over each table. LaBeau was back in the kitchen, doing his prep work and fending off Schultz no doubt, as the large sergeant was prone to tasting a bit too much of the food.

"Will everything be ready on time? You assured me that your men could handle this party and if they do not then it's the cooler for everyone!" Klink rushed up and peered at the room. "The generals are the ones in charge of promotions and if this party doesn't go well, then my chance of promotion drop to... to..."

"To your chance of surviving the Russian front?" Hogan looked over innocently then pulled a repentant face. "Poor taste, sorry Kommandant." He nodded towards the men working cheerfully. "My men will get everything done. You know, Carter was a professional party planner before the war."

"Yes yes, well as long as everything goes smoothly." Klink stalked off towards the kitchens. After a few moments, Hogan could hear muffled yelling as Klink chastised Schultz. Raising his voice slightly, he spoke to his men in the room. "All right guys, let's get the lead out. Colonel Klink is counting on us."

True to form, it was Newkirk that talked back, as he came by carrying another heavy table. "It'd go a lot faster with another set of 'ands 'elping, Colonel Hogan... even if they are officer 'ands."

Kinch chuckled at that. "Now don't go asking for trouble, you know how officers work. We'd have to spent half of our time holding his hand and repeating instructions."

"Hey now..." chastised Hogan. "I'll have you both know that I tied my shoelaces all by myself just this morning."

Grinning widely, Newkirk quipped once more. "Yeah, but you tied them to each other."

H H H H

The party was in full swing and Hogan stood to the side watching over all the participants. He was in the habit of attending any parties that his men worked at for the Kommandant. Klink thought he simply took advantage to get the free drinks and food. Some of his men probably thought it was access to the occasional lovely young ladies who attended. A select few thought it was to make contacts with the Underground or collect intelligence.

He smiled politely at Burkhalter as he circulated nearby. Hogan had a much more important reason for attending. He watched over his men, to make certain that none of the attendees abused or mistreated them. There was no doubt in his mind that he couldn't protect them if someone truly wanted to harm them. Even with the Geneva Convention and their status as prisoners of war, there were many Germans who simply ignored such and a protest to the Red Cross or the governing powers would be little comfort to the victim. However, so far he had managed to distract or redirect serious aggression on most occasions.

Klink sidled up to him, smiling in an overly smug way. "The party is going so well." He took a glass of wine off a tray presented to them by a black-jacketed Newkirk. As he sipped the wine, he missed the Englishman rolling his eyes behind his back as he left. Carter and Newkirk were walking the party with trays of drinks. LeBeau brought out hor d'oeuvres at regular intervals to put on a table. Kinchloe was hidden back in the kitchen and prep area, helping LeBeau with the food or washing platters.

"Don't look now Kommandant, but isn't that General Schwitzer?" Hogan nodded towards a thin sour-looking German general. "You know, head of the promotions committee and very good friend to old Bubblehead himself?" That sent Klink off across the room, although he paused to glare at Hogan over the insult.

Hogan continued to watch the party and moved through the people, smiling and speaking politely to any of the officers that deigned to notice him. By the time he reached the opposite wall, he had overheard a few interesting tidbits of tactical information that they would pass on to London. Newkirk came strolling up and held his tray out to Hogan with a bland polite smile that Hogan knew from experience was covering seething anger. "Gently, Newkirk. I know that smile. Be nice."

Newkirk's expression stayed firmly in place, properly polite and pleasant but Hogan saw his eyes flash dangerously. "If I 'ear one more comment on the inferiority of the RAF, I'll bloody well tell the bastards off, guv'ner."

"No smart remarks, you'll smile and nod, soldier." Hogan lifted a glass up to block his soft words. "These are not our tame guards back at camp."

"No, _they_ have manners." Newkirk's voice dropped to a soft growl. "I'd like to ruddy well punch that Schwitzer in the throat. Every time I walk by, he starts talking about how many downed airmen have been 'killed during capture'. Bloody murderer."

"Gently, Newkirk. Perhaps it's time for a break. Go have a look in that interesting room downstairs. I'm certain you'll prefer the safe's company to the party." Hogan glanced around, checking that Carter was still okay and Klink was still busy being annoying to generals.

"I'll get better conversation." Newkirk took a deep breath in and let it out, visibly forcing himself to relax into the posture of a pleasant and unremarkable waiter. "I'll go check it out. Should take me fifteen minutes or so."

"Be careful, just scouting tonight, don't let those magic fingers do any walking." Hogan patted his man on the back as he walked away. He caught Carter's eye and nodded slightly. Carter showed no sign of seeing it but began to move through the center of the room more to cover for the absence of the second waiter. Finding LeBeau setting down yet another platter of fingerfoods, Hogan raised an eyebrow and tilted his head slightly towards the drink prep area. LeBeau nodded back and went to fill a tray with glasses of wine and began circulating himself.

Now Hogan could worry. He pretended to be enjoying the party, talking to Burkhalter a few minutes and exchanging a quip or two with a Luftwaffe major he'd seen before. He nibbled a few crackers with toppings and hoped it wasn't marinated dog food again. But in the back of his mind he wondered what was happening out of sight with Newkirk scouting the hotel safe. Spotting Burkhalter's wife cornering LeBeau, Hogan wandered over to distract her with small talk and let the little Frenchman escape back to the kitchen.

Finally he could let his breath out as Newkirk reentered the ballroom with a fresh tray, acting as if he'd been there all along. He altered his path so he could take a closer look and noted that the Englishman seemed more relaxed and in control. Hogan made a detour to check on Carter who reassured him that he was just fine.

Carter was relaxed and leaned in closer to speak next to Hogan's ear. "The Luftwaffe major in the corner with Burkhalter has been talking about a new airbase. He hasn't mentioned location yet, but it seems to be west of Berlin."

"Good work, keep an ear out for a town." Hogan watched the amiable Carter walk away smiling vacantly at everyone. He would have bet money that not one German in the room would consider the young man a threat to security. Half the time he didn't look as if he could remember his own serial number.

Watching the room cautiously, Hogan began to hope for people to leave. The longer a party went on, the more alcohol got into them. The POWs carefully began watering down the drinks as the night wore on, but they couldn't water them down too much. Tipsy Germans were a double-edged sword. They might let information slip but they also became more dangerous.

Hogan began circulating through the room more himself. He was trying to round up Carter to get him to stay towards the sides of the room where it would be safer. Before he could get close, he saw Newkirk drift by and poke Carter in the ribs. A jerk of the Englishman's chin and Carter followed him to the drinks station. Newkirk put a hand up on Carter's neck to draw him in close and spoke to him briefly. After that, Carter made his way around the edges of the party. Newkirk still moved through the room more freely. Hogan would have preferred if both of them stayed out of the press. He couldn't very well pull the servers out entirely without Klink and possibly others objecting.

Luckily, it wasn't much longer before the higher ranked officers began to leave. Once the generals cleared out, the rest of the party broke apart quickly. Klink rushed about simpering at various officers, taking advantage of the last minutes. Hogan retrieved Newkirk from serving a last few officers by the simple method of walking by and taking his elbow. "Sorry, but Colonel Klink keeps a short leash on us prisoners." They walked away quickly, joining the others back in the rear of the room. Kinch came out and assured Hogan the kitchen was cleaned and cleared out. As the room emptied of guests, Hogan could send his men to change back to their uniforms.

By the time Schultz came to gather them up, the officers were all gone and Klink was crowing over his success. Schultz counted heads and then reported that all the prisoners were present to Klink who thanked them for the work. Hogan nodded agreeably and ushered the Kommandant and Schultz out. "Yes Kommandant, but my men are all very tired since it's so late and I know you are such a kind overseer, taking their well being into account after they've worked for you, a work detail they volunteered for, mind you." He continued the praise, nodding for his men to fall into line behind them. "It's because they respect you, sir, yes sir. We're always glad to help you out when it comes to these little tasks, as long as you remember the agreement of an extra shower per man for the next two months."

"Two months? Hooogan! It was for one month." Klink was still smiling over the success of his party. "But, seeing as everything went so well and no one caused any issues or embarrassment, I'll give you the two months. Simply because I'm so generous, of course."

"Well that is generous, sir." Hogan smiled to himself, knowing the original deal had been for one month. Even though the real reason had been scouting for a mission to steal documents in a week from the hotel, he couldn't very well give the services of his men away for free without arousing suspicion. "I mean, thinking about how much work they did, and how hard it would have been for you to find another chef of LeBeau's quality... the least you could do is to raise the rations, just a little bit. Things are a bit lean right now for the men and it's getting very cold lately."

His men smirked as they fell into line behind Schultz. Carter went first, chatting at Schultz about the food he was used to at parties back home. Kinch stepped in behind, listening to the conversation with amusement and adding in regional dishes he enjoyed. LeBeau followed them closely, yawning widely and looking sleepy. The little Frenchman had worked twice as hard, prepping the food and cooking it throughout the party. Newkirk ambled along behind them, still considering the model of the safe he'd examined. It had turned out to be quite a bit better quality than he would have expected in a hotel like this. But it wasn't so beefy that he'd need explosives, so he was fairly confident he could break it open with a stethoscope and a few minutes work. Colonel Hogan's plan to get him a look turned out to be a good one, since now they knew exactly how to get to the safe, what sort of precautions were normally taken around it and what Newkirk would need to crack it. He mused to himself that some days he really did think that Hogan's schemes were too elaborate and sometimes even plain crackers, but somehow they always seemed to work out.

They were on the ground floor, walking through a deserted hallway. Carter was animatedly describing banana splits to Schultz while Hogan was attempting to wheedle Klink into some outrageous concessions when Newkirk was suddenly yanked sideways into an alcove. He was so startled that he let out a soft 'urk' before stumbling into the wall. "Whaa?" A small soft hand clamped over his mouth and he looked into beautiful pale blue eyes framed by soft blond hair and he lost all desire to leave. His voice dropped to a whisper. "Blimey... what do you.." The hand was placed over his mouth again.

"Shhhh." The woman peeked out into the now empty hallway and then motioned Newkirk to follow her back down the way they'd come from.

He hesitated for only a second. There was a possibility of this being some sort of trap to get him away from the guard and the others. Many German citizens truly disliked any Allied personnel and the RAF in particular. Newkirk had experienced the hatred before and had no desire to walk into another trap of that sort.

The woman motioned again urgently. She looked frightened and small and helpless and he cursed himself inside his head as he followed her. He couldn't help himself. Women would be the death of him one day, but he couldn't walk away from a damsel in distress. A glance up the hallway showed the others hadn't even noticed him dropping out of line.

As he trotted down the corridors behind her, the best idea he could come up with was that she was most likely part of the local Underground. He couldn't help but appreciate the sight of the slender form in a completely impractical dark brown dress that came all the way down to her calves. If she was planning a scarper of some sort, she should have worn something easier to move around in, he mused. If the Underground suddenly needed help or to pass on some emergency information, it would make sense to take one of Papa Bear's men when they were right in town. If she was Gestapo, he didn't know why she'd look so frightened and why snatch one when she could bluster Klink into giving her one? He continued to muse to himself as she began to dodge through a few dark rooms and then opened a window to point out of it.

Poking his head out, he saw a short drop and put a hand out to stop her from climbing out. "Let me go first, love. I'll catch you." He made a motion of him holding out his arms to her and pointed out in case she didn't understand him. She nodded but still looked worried. "Okay, 'ere I go, bloody 'ell I 'ope this isn't a trap..." He slid out of the window and twisted in a practiced move to hang by his fingertips from the sill. Bracing his feet against the brick wall, he bounced off it gently and turned loose, landing in a crouch easily. His burglary days were coming in much more handy than basic training had ever insinuated.

"Okay, now." he whispered up to the window. She had to tuck her skirt around her legs as she scooted out onto the window sill and then dropped. His arms caught her and he set her gently onto the ground. "Are you okay?" She tugged his sleeve urgently and pointed down the alley. "Okay okay, birds are always in such a rush to go places..."

As he followed her through dark streets, he turned to look back at the hotel receding behind them for a few seconds. He was getting further from his captors and his team. Briefly he hoped that Colonel Hogan would hear him out when he got back before he started yelling.

Suddenly his attention was taken by her grabbing his arm and half-dragging him towards an apartment building. "Easy, love, I'm coming, I'm coming."


	2. Chapter 2

Somewhat of a lukewarm reception but no worries, it will pick up speed as it continues. I will plan to update no longer than once a week(sometimes more often). Thank you so much to all of those who reviewed and to those that helped beta read.

* * *

Hogan and his men were standing in a line beside the camp truck they'd arrived in. Klink was shaking a fist under Hogan's nose and ranting about an escape. Schultz came puffing back up from searching the hotel.

"Well? Did you find him?" Klink ignored the obvious lack of a prisoner with his guard.

Schultz raised his arms helplessly. "There is no sign of the Englander. He has vanished. No one saw him."

Klink rounded back on Hogan again. "This is your fault, Hogan! I should have known that this was all a plot to escape!"

"Come on! If I had a plan to escape, why would it have been just Newkirk? Don't you think that I would have escaped too?" Hogan was making things up as he went, since he had no idea what had happened.

"Hummph." Klink stalked back and forth. "Corporal Newkirk WILL be found! And when we find him, he will be punished most severely!" Frustration made him snap at Schultz. "I want you to find the Englander! And find him now!"

"Yes Kommandant... but..." Schultz looked from Hogan to Klink. "But who will guard the other prisoners?"

Klink was beside himself. "We will go back to camp and then I will send you with all available guards back to hunt down Newkirk." He turned to glare at Hogan. "And they will have orders to shoot him if necessary."

All of Hogan's men protested immediately. Klink waved them off and told Schultz to load them into the truck. The big guard started shooing them up into the truck, shaking his head at their arguments.

"Schultz! We can't leave without Newkirk!" Carter resisted as Schultz nudged him towards the truck. "He wouldn't leave without you!"

"Ja, he would, he would steal the truck to go look for frauliens! Please boys, just get in the truck and we will go back to camp." Schultz motioned at Hogan next. "Please Colonel Hogan, tell them to get in the truck."

"Alright guys, you heard Schultz, let's go, let's go. Pipe down and get in the truck." Hogan watched his men reluctantly climb into the back of the truck and seat themselves along the benches. Once Schultz had gone around to the cab to crank the truck and begin the journey back to camp there were quiet protests from all three of his men. "Pipe down, I don't know where Newkirk is. If he just got delayed, he should have gotten back already. When we get back to camp, Kinch, you put in a radio call to the Underground and see if they have information. If he took off on his own, he's in big trouble. And I don't mean with the Krauts."

"I don't think Newkirk would just leave, sir." Carter shook his head. "It's not like him."

Kinch snorted. "It's right up his alley, Carter. He's snuck out before to go to town, maybe the temptation was too much since we were already in town."

LeBeau shrugged at them both. "Maybe. I don't think he would leave without saying something to one of us. But he has always been impulsive, I just hope he is okay."

"We'll find out. He better have a good story when he shows up though or he'll wish for a week in the cooler." Hogan showed his irritation. Everyone quieted for the ride back to camp, although Carter kept watch out of the back of the truck the entire way, as if he might catch a glimpse of his missing friend.

* * *

Newkirk was sitting nervously at a small kitchen table, wondering exactly what he was waiting for. The woman had indicated the chair, seen him seated and given him a decent cup of tea and a hot meal but still hadn't spoken. His attempts at questions were met with shushing noises. Now she had disappeared into the other rooms of the apartment, leaving him to wait. He wondered if they were waiting for another contact to arrive. Or, his mind supplied a less benign scenario, for the Gestapo to show up.

He stood up when she came back with a paper wrapped bundle. "Herr frau." She pushed it into his hands. "What is this?" He cleared his throat and deliberately slurred the pronunciation of the German. "What is loss?"

She just shook her head but smiled at him sadly. Pointing at the package, she made sure he took it before tugging his arm to lead him towards the door. "Come."

"Where are we going? I can't just run about town 'ere, love." He sighed when she simply ignored him to tug him along behind her as they left. "Alright, but when Colonel Hogan is yelling at me and Klink is rounding up a firing squad I 'ope you tell them this wasn't my idea," muttered Newkirk. He began to follow her out of the building. At least it was so late there was no one about to spot him. By his watch it was after two in the morning now and he wondered what his friends were thinking.

When his lady friend pointed at a car, he balked. "I don't know about this. Where are we going?" When he didn't get any answer, he turned slightly away, pointing back towards the hotel. "I can't keep roaming about! What do you want from me?"

She became anxious and wrung her hands, insistently pointing towards the car. Her voice was soft and rusty as she whispered to him. "Please. Bitte."

He was looking into tear-filled blue eyes and mentally kicking himself for being a complete idiot even as he relented. "Okay okay... I'm already going to be 'ung for all this, might as well keep going, right?" He sighed as he settled into the back of the car, scrunching down as she threw a blanket over him to hide him from view. At this point he wasn't sure what to think. Was the bundle she'd given him a package she needed to get to Hogan? She acted like it was important. He pinched the paper wrapping a bit. It felt like a bundle of cloth, maybe something was wrapped up in cloth? Radio? Some secret part? He sighed and tried to get comfortable. Maybe she was taking him to meet with another Underground operative.

The car bumped over a very uneven road and he poked his head up cautiously to peek out the window. It was too dark for him to make out anything other than what looked like woods beside the road. He tucked himself back under the blanket and hoped the trip wasn't too long.

* * *

Back at camp, Hogan was pacing the barrack's floor and getting more annoyed every minute they heard nothing. Klink had sent a dozen guards back to the town to begin scouring it for any sign of his missing prisoner. Kinch came up out of the tunnel to hand over a slip of paper.

"No sign of Newkirk from any of the Underground I could contact, sir." Kinch took a seat next to Carter who had been fidgeting since they arrived back at camp. "I'm sure he's fine."

"If he _is_ fine, he won't be when I get a hold of him. What was he thinking? Taking off like this could make Klink second guess us anytime we volunteer for any work outside the wire! He could have just compromised the operation, especially if he gets nabbed by the Gestapo while he's out carousing the town!" Hogan took a deep breath. "You guys are sure that none of you saw him leave? Because if I find out one of you are covering for him..."

"No sir." Carter spoke up first. "He was last in line, that's all, none of us were looking over our shoulder to make sure he was there. I mean, why would Newkirk just up and leave anyway? He was looking forward to cracking that safe, you know how he gets when your plans let him steal stuff." Carter's face fell a little. "I mean, I'm not calling him a thief, even if he does steal stuff but he's stealing for the Allies so it's not really stealing, it just part of being a spy, right? That doesn't count."

Hogan turned an annoyed look on the sergeant. "Carter..." Suddenly he stopped and thought. "That could be it... I hope not because I will wring his neck if he..." He growled under his breath as he resumed pacing. "If he decided to go take a poke at that safe, I swear, I'll send _him_ to the Russian Front!"

LeBeau shook his head, trying to pacify the colonel. "Pierre wouldn't open the safe tonight. Don't be ridiculous, there's nothing to steal in it yet!"

"Yeah, nothing but cash and jewels put there by guests of the hotel." Hogan snorted. "You're probably right. But if he didn't go back for the safe, where is he?"

* * *

The car had stopped finally but Newkirk waited until the door opened to push the blanket aside. "Where are we?"

Instead of an answer, the woman motioned him out of the car. As he exited cautiously, she pointed at the woods.

"What? What am I supposed to do?" His paper wrapped bundle was pushed back into his arms and she pointed again, beginning to look fearfully back up the road. "Why are you upset?" She finally took him by his shoulders and turned him towards the woods and pushed him gently. "Alright alright, but this is the strangest contact I've ever been a part of, I'll tell you that." He turned to look around, trying to get his bearings. "I'm on the wrong side of town, love..."

She had already rushed back to the car and he watched her drive back down the road. Sighing, he checked the package and finding it intact, he tucked it under his arm and started walking. He would have to follow alongside the road back to town, then skirt around it, hoping no one spotted him and avoiding any patrols, then walk all the way back up to the stalag. By himself, hoping not to get shot and hoping once he made it back that he would have thought up a very good story to tell Klink and Hogan both.

"This is a weird war."

* * *

Schultz came into the barracks shouting for roll call. LeBeau and Kinch woke up from where they'd fallen asleep at the table. Carter started awake and fell onto the floor from his seat on the edge of his bunk. All three looked around hopefully but Colonel Hogan just shook his head.

"He's not back." Hogan nodded towards Schultz. "Schultz, has the Kommandant heard anything yet?"

"Nein, Colonel Hogan, the Englander disappeared, like a magic trick." Schultz banged on another bunk to wake up Olson who grumbled at him. "Roll call, schnell."

Carter hopped on one foot tugging on his boot. "Colonel Hogan sir, you don't think it was a magic trick, do you? I mean, Newkirk was a magician, what if..."

"No Carter." Hogan sighed as he zipped up his jacket. "Just fall out for roll call." He waved LeBeau out ahead of him and made his way to the front of the group to stand next to the empty spot while Schultz counted heads. The big guard paused when he would have counted Newkirk and sighed. "Don't worry Schultz, he'll turn up."

"I hope so, Colonel Hogan. The Kommandant is very angry." Schultz moved up to salute and report to the same.

Klink stomped up and down in front of the prisoners. "You may have heard that one of you prisoners escaped yesterday. Don't think that he will not be recaptured! No one escapes! Not from camp and not from town!"

A voice shouted from the back mockingly. "And not from right under the Kommandant's nose either?" A smattering of laughter broke out and made Klink shake his fist in the air.

Hogan coughed softly and the laughter stopped. He stepped forward himself. "Kommandant, I volunteer to help locate Corporal Newkirk."

"I'm sure you would just love to help me recapture your own man." Klink paced over to stand in front of Hogan. "And maybe have a little escape of your own? I don't think so, Hogan."

"I'll give you my word as an officer that I won't try to escape, Kommandant. And I just want to make sure your trigger-happy guards don't find him and shoot him first." Hogan kept his voice as neutral as possible. If he pushed too hard, Klink would refuse out of suspicion.

"I am perfectly capable of finding one prisoner without your help, Hogan. This may surprise you but I am the kommandant of this stalag for a reason." Klink stalked away angrily.

Hogan hissed to himself. His remaining men gathered around him but he cut their queries off. "Settle down, we'll find him." He motioned them into the barracks. "Let's get out of the cold."

"Colonel, you don't think they'll really shoot him on sight? Carter crowded up behind him. "What if he gives up, they wouldn't shoot him if he's trying to give himself up to them, right?" The worry was evident in his tone.

LaBeau reached up to pat Carter in a reassuring manner. "Most of the guards that went out are okay. They wouldn't shoot Pierre unless they really had to, and if he's in town, they won't shoot because they might hit a civilian anyway."

"But what if he's in the woods then?" Carter wouldn't be dissuaded from worrying. "He could be trying to get back to camp and then they'll shoot him or what if the Gestapo finds him or even the SS patrols? They'll shoot him."

"Don't borrow trouble, Carter." Kinch spoke quietly. "Making up things that could go wrong isn't helping anyone."

"I'm just really worried, it's not like Newkirk to just up and disappear." Carter paused and looked at the floor. "Well, he hasn't done it lately, anyway."

"He'd better not have done it now." Hogan huffed to himself and turned to Kinch. "When will anyone be on the radio?"

"Mostly, not until night. Bluebird is usually on at noontime, and he said he would inquire with some of the Hammelburg Underground too." Kinch glanced at Carter. "I'm sure he's fine. If he got into trouble, he knows a few safehouses."

LaBeau lifted his head as shouting filtered in from outside. "What's going on?"

* * *

End chapter

Who has any doubts that the shouting is somehow related to the prodigal corporal?

Thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

I do apologize about the long wait. Life got in the way a bit, and then I was writing the short stories for the contest. Here's a double-length chapter! I hope to update on schedule from now on.

* * *

CHAPTER 3

The object of all the worry and annoyance had made his way into the woods for a while before curiosity got the better of him and he'd stopped to open up the bundle. He was careful not to tear up the wrapping, just in case he found it was something he wasn't supposed to be peeking at. Finding a brown shirt, he shook it out and checked the pockets. It was wrapped around a small loaf of bread and he checked it carefully for anything hidden inside. Then he picked the shirt up again and searched along the seams and collar for anything sewn into it. Frowning, he thought it over for a moment before suddenly straightening up.

"Blimey, the crazy bird rescued me." He tugged his cover off and rubbed his hair a bit thinking. A change of clothing so he would resemble a civilian, some food for the journey, taking him out of the town to the woods away from any authorities... he'd just been rescued from being a prisoner. "Well... bugger me for a fool." He sighed. One of the only prisoners in Germany that _didn't_ want to be rescued, and she'd picked him.

Wrapping it back up, he continued through the woods, keeping close enough to the road to not get lost. There was nothing for it but to try to get back to camp and figure out how to explain all of this.

It took hours of walking through the night, getting colder every step and having little luck thinking up good excuses to use when he made it back. Newkirk sighed heavily as he finally reached the woods outside Stalag 13. Cutting through the trees, he snuck to the emergency tunnel entrance and opened it enough to drop his bundle into it. Ducking as the searchlight passed over him, he waited then darted back out towards the roadway.

He was tired, his feet were sore and he was shivering from cold already. Walking all this way without his heavy coat had caused him to become chilled to the bone and if he didn't come down sick from it, he'd be surprised. All from a very nice lady trying to help him. He couldn't exactly be mad at someone who was after all attempting to save him from being a prisoner. Annoyed at her, sure. But then, she was awfully pretty too.

Women really would be the death of him.

The gates of the stalag finally came into view and he closed his eyes for just a second. Wrapping both arms around his cold body, he staggered a bit more than needed as he approached the gates in the middle of the roadway. The sun was just beginning to lighten the sky and he knew roll call would have been done already. He was walking in the middle of the road, in full view of the gate guards and still no one had noticed him. Finally he gave up and started yelling at the gate from a couple hundred feet away.

"KAMARAD!" He coughed in the cold air and raised his voice again. "Kamarad! Don't shoot! Kamarad! Blimey mates! Wake up in there! Kamarad!" Finally the guards came rushing to the gate to stare at him walking up. He held his arms up high, just in case they decided he looked dangerous. "Kamarad? I give up!"

The first guard waved for the gate to be opened and Newkirk smiled in relief for a second until the second guard came barreling out at a full run towards him. "Halt! Hands up!"

Newkirk raised his hands as high as possible and tried to tell himself not to turn and run. "Kamarad! I give up! No no, I give up!"

The guard tackled him full force, throwing him to the road and pinning him there. "Halt! You are a prisoner of the Luftwaffe!"

"I bloody well know that! Let go!" Newkirk struggled underneath the heavy guard. "I was giving up, you bloody Kraut! That's what yelling kamarad meant you giant bleeding idiot! Get off me!"

"Schmitt! Stop!" The first guard had caught up and tugged at the one on top of Newkirk. "Let him up, that's our prisoner!"

"I caught him, Private Esser, he's MY prisoner!" Schmitt was determined to subdue the RAF pilot he'd caught.

Esser groaned at him. "Nein, he's _already_ our prisoner, that's the Englander. What are you doing out here?"

"Yes! Yes! I'm the Englander! I belong here!" Newkirk was heartily disgusted with how poorly his night had gone and the morning was getting worse. "Get off me, you fat Kraut!" A knee was put into his back and he yelped. "I'm sorry! Get off me!"

Schmitt was persuaded to allow his prisoner to get to his feet, although he insisted on cuffing both arms tightly behind his back. Private Esser motioned him to bring him inside. "Take him to the kommandantur. I will alert Sergeant Schultz." At this point there were several more guards coming to see what the commotion was from.

As they walked across the compound, Newkirk started shouting towards the barracks where a few prisoners were emerging to see what the noise was about. "Colonel Hogan! Colonel Hogan!" He saw Olson for a second as he darted towards Barracks Two. He twisted in Schmitt's grip. "I'm walking! You don't 'ave to yank on me arms!"

He was gratified to see the familiar bomber jacket as Colonel Hogan came out and headed for the offices himself. "Colonel Hogan!"

"Newkirk! Where have you been?" Hogan didn't quite catch up before Klink came storming out onto the porch as Schmitt brought his prisoner up to salute proudly.

"I caught him!" Schmitt gave Newkirk a shove forward. "I caught this Englander!"

"I was... giving... up... already!" Newkirk bit each word off carefully as he tried to jerk away and failed. He turned to the Kommandant and smiled happily. "'Ello Kommandant! Sorry it took me so long but it's a long bloody walk from town!"

Klink stared at him and then turned on Schmitt. "Where did you capture him?"

"No one bloody captured me! I walked up to the ruddy gate and surrendered and he threw me down! Next time I'll go 'ome to London! Fine kind of welcome 'ome I get 'ere!" Newkirk shut up when Schmitt threatened him with his rifle. "Okay okay! You captured me! Kamarad!"

Hogan stepped between the two and held up his hands to warn the guard off. "Leave him alone, he's not running away." Turning to Klink, he tilted his head and adopted a reasonable tone. "Kommandant, are shackles really needed on a prisoner who returned of his own free will and surrendered to the first guard he could find? Really? You're going to force prisoners to attempt escape more than ever with this kind of treatment."

Newkirk leaned over to speak under his breath. "Going inside where it's not so bleeding cold would be nice too, just saying sir."

Hogan spoke out of the side of his smile. "Shut up, Newkirk or I'll put you in the cooler myself." He widened his smile to Klink. "Obviously there is an explanation behind all of this and I'm sure Corporal Newkirk would love to tell all of us all about that. Right Corporal Newkirk?" The edge to his voice was unmistakable.

Newkirk swallowed and tried desperately to remember the very reasonable story he'd thought of during his long cold walk. Somehow it seemed a very thin excuse when he was facing the kommandant and Colonel in person. "I uhh..." His teeth chattered suddenly and he shuddered all over involuntarily with cold. "I didn't... I mean..."

It was surprisingly Klink who relented first. "Bring him inside my office. Schmitt take the cuffs off, he's not likely to escape from my office." He watched the guard unlocking the cuffs and then nodded at Schultz who had finally come puffing up to the steps to salute. "Put Schmitt in for a recommendation for capturing the prisoner, but make sure it mentions the prisoner was surrendering at our own gate." He moved inside followed by Hogan and then a newly freed Newkirk. Once in his office, he settled into his chair and glowered at his returned prisoner. "This escape was nothing more than a complete embarrassment to me personally and to the Lufewaffe also so I want to hear exactly how you explain. And keep in mind that I can still have you shot."

"I didn't escape!" Newkirk blurted out the first thing he could think of. "I really didn't, I just..." He glanced at Hogan who was silent with his arms crossed watching him. With no help coming from his commanding officer, he shivered and continued on more calmly. "I swear Kommandant, I looked away for just a second, I did. Then I didn't see where anyone went and I took a wrong turn and then I was outside and the door was locked behind me. By the time I found the front of the 'otel, the truck was gone and these Krauts... I mean..." He cleared his throat nervously. "These German citizens were eying me and I was..." He fiddled with his hands and looked at the floor and mumbled a bit.

Klink leaned over his desk. "Speak up, what? You were what?"

Newkirk didn't raise his head. "I was scared."

That led Klink to stand and come around his desk to peer closely at the Englishman's face. "Scared of what?"

"The... the Germans. You know what they do to pilots they catch!?" Newkirk widened his eyes and took a deep breath in, hoping his shivering looked more like fright. "They..." His voice lowered. "They 'ang them! Or... or they murder them in the streets." His gaze went back to the floor. "I didn't want to get murdered in the street." He looked up at Klink hopefully. "I really did look for the truck! But when I couldn't find anyone, I started to go down the road and back to camp but... but there were these people everywhere and me in my uniform and well, I ran into the woods and got lost. But I knew I couldn't be that far from camp so I just kept walking until I found it!" He straightened up proudly. "I did surrender too! There wasn't any call for that bloke to go knocking me about that way!"

Klink mused for a moment while Newkirk fidgeted and shivered. "I suppose that story could be true..."

Hogan finally spoke up, much to Newkirk's relief. "Of course it's true, sir. Just look at poor Newkirk! He's frozen to the bone, but he soldiered on, walking all night to get back to camp! If he was trying to escape, why would he have come back here? He's not even dressed for walking around the compound, much less escaping through the countryside." He put an arm around the shivering man. "He did it all because of the trust he holds in you, Kommandant. He knows that he can trust in your fairness and humane nature to take him in and keep him safe from all the dangers in Germany for a poor RAF airman. Don't betray that trust, Kommandant."

Newkirk tried his best to look especially pitiful and humble, holding his cap in hand and keeping his face lowered. He carefully hid the massive relief he felt when Hogan had finally stepped in on his side. He let his eyes flick upwards to beseech Klink with a pleading look.

Apparently folding under either Hogan's logic or Newkirk's pitiful expression, Klink raised his hands. "Fine. Fine. I won't shoot you. This time! But if you ever pull such a stunt again, I will not hesitate to let the Gestapo have you and good riddance!" He paced to the side and then raised his chin. "Two weeks in the cooler."

Before Newkirk could respond, Hogan objected. "Kommandant! This man is already half-frozen from trying to get back here after you left him behind in town, in terrible danger of being lynched, no less! Putting him in the cooler for your mistake seems unusually harsh, especially since our boy made it home all on his own." Hogan's arm tightened and he reached to cup Newkirk's chin. "Look at him! Just look at all that betrayal he feels at you leaving him behind. He trusted you, he worked so hard at your party and then you just dumped him in town like... like an unwanted puppy." Newkirk attempted to look betrayed and pitiful. "How could you further punish him?"

Klink rolled his eyes but notably couldn't quite look into his errant prisoner's face. The Englander was one of the prisoners who had been here the longest and despite all his antics, Klink felt a bit propitiatory towards him. He stalked around to plop down in his office chair and began shuffling papers about on his desk importantly. "Fine. Seeing as you did complete a work detail just prior to this... unfortunate incident, I'll overlook it. Hogan, take your man back to the barracks and keep out of my hair so I can get some work done. Disssssmissed!"

Hogan and Newkirk both snapped back salutes. Hogan gave his man a shove towards the door. "Thank you Kommandant! I'll make sure you don't regret this. Thank the Kommandant, Newkirk."

"Thank you herr Kommandant!" said Newkirk as he exited the door.

"Yes yes." Klink waved them off as he buried his attention in his paperwork. The sooner he could forget the entire incident, the better. At least he had all his prisoners in the Stalag again where they belonged.

Hogan took Newkirk by an elbow as they crossed the compound heading for Barracks 2. "Don't think for one minute that line of bull puckey fooled me."

"Of course not, sir. Wouldn't dream of feeding you a farce like that, Colonel Hogan." Newkirk found himself speeding up as Hogan practically dragged him along. His legs were so tired that he almost stumbled. At that, Hogan slowed his steps and gave him a look of concern. "Sorry sir." He tried to hurry but Hogan softened his gaze. "Sorry."

"Let's just get you inside where it's not quite as cold." Hogan wasn't going to let him off easily, but he didn't manhandle his men either. His grip on Newkirk's arm became more supportive and he felt the limb shaking. "Are you hurt?"

"No sir." They reached the barracks door and suddenly the door was open and his friends were there reaching to greet him and draw him in to sit at the table and fussing and a cup of something hot and a blanket and Newkirk's head began a lazy spin to the left. He was barely aware of himself tilting to follow the spin until Carter's voice cut through the haze. "Whaa?"

"Are you okay? He's really cold, here, let me warm the blanket up by the stove. Boy, Newkirk, were we worried!" Carter took away the blanket to hold it up to the meager warmth from their stove. "You should take off the jacket and then the blanket will warm you up in just a minute."

"Yeah." Newkirk made no move to remove his jacket but had it tugged free by LaBeau and Kinch. "Watch my tea!" He transferred the cup to his other hand as the jacket was slipped off his arm. Safely bringing the cup into his chest, he breathed in the steam and felt the blanket draping over his shoulders and sighed happily at the warm folds of wool. "That's lovely."

Hogan settled at the end of the table, putting one foot up onto the bench to lean on his knee. "Are you okay? Do we need to call Wilson in?"

"No sir." Newkirk shook his head firmly. "I'm just ruddy tired and cold."

"Good, good." Hogan's voice hardened. "Because as soon as you're all warmed up and happy, I may kill you myself unless you tell me a very good reason why I shouldn't."

Swallowing nervously, Newkirk shivered again. "It wasn't my idea! Bugger me, it wasn't! See, this bird..."

"How did I know it would involve a woman?" said Hogan.

"It's not like that!" said Newkirk. "She just grabbed me and pulled me away!"

LaBeau scoffed. "Oui. Because out of all of us, you were so handsome, she could not resist you?"

"No, because I was the bloody last man in line!" Newkirk took a breath. "I thought she was with the Underground and that there was some emergency! That's why I went with her!"

"Right, right." Hogan seemed to be thinking about that as he nodded. "Yes, that's why she would have grabbed the RAF corporal, instead of the colonel who is in charge of the whole operation here."

"Yeah, because she could just walk up in front of Klink and Schultz and say 'Pardon me, but could I 'ave a moment of Papa Bear's time?' I'm sure Klink would 'ave been understanding and all, seeing as she asked nicely." Newkirk seemed to suddenly realize that sarcasm wasn't going to win him any points at this moment and swallowed carefully, bending to sip at the tea to cover his discomfiture. "I was just last in line, that's all."

Hogan reined himself in and reminded himself that he should give his man a chance to explain. "Okay, so you thought she was in trouble."

"No, I thought the Underground was in trouble! I know they wouldn't have risked approaching any of us when we were with Klink unless something was really wrong. So I went with her because I thought that she would just get out of earshot but then she kept going and then I thought maybe it was someone in trouble or a message that needed to be passed on, or something." He ran down and looked at his hands a moment. "I thought there was trouble and that it was worth the risk to check it out. Don't think I didn't consider that it could be a trap, too. I did. But I figured it made more sense for it to be someone needing our 'elp. I'm sorry."

"I can't say that I would have thought anything different, if it had been me instead." said Kinch. The quiet radioman surprised everyone when he spoke up. "It makes the most sense." He smiled at Newkirk then. "I'm guessing that since you haven't jumped up with some sort of emergency message that you were wrong though."

"... yeah." Newkirk felt his face burn. "She wasn't Underground or Gestapo."

"Well?" LaBeau nudged him. "Who was she?"

"She was just some bird." Newkirk's voice got softer. "She... she tried to 'elp me escape."

There was a flurry of questioning noises from everyone before Hogan silenced them. "Pipe down. Newkirk, what do you mean?"

"I mean she tried to rescue me. She gave me some food and a shirt and she drove me out of town and... and she tried to 'elp me escape." Newkirk sighed. "She meant well, 'onest sir. And if I were any other prisoner, I would 'ave been glad for the 'elp and all but... well, I couldn't escape so I 'ad to walk all the way back to camp." His shoulders slumped as he ran out of things to say. "I tried to get 'ere as fast as I could."

"Well..." Hogan paused for a second before reaching out to squeeze one shoulder. "I can't say you did anything wrong. If she had been Underground, it would have been the right call." He began to pace as he thought. "If she's just a concerned citizen though, she could end up in the Gestapo's sights pretty quickly. Newkirk, could you give an address to the Underground? They can discreetly check into her, see what she's up to."

"Yessir..." Newkirk's eyes were trying to close and he widened them in an attempt to appear alert. "I just don't want her to get into trouble, she seemed so nice."

"We're on her side too, don't worry." Hogan gave him a final pat. "Give Kinch the information you have on her particulars, then get some sleep."

Starting awake from his half-doze, Newkirk protested. "I'm not sleepy."

"Then I'll make it an order so you have no choice." Hogan smiled. "It's good to have you back. But don't ever do this to me again."

"No sir."

* * *

End Chapter

Do we really think that this is the end of it? I mean, really? Stay tuned for the next installment of "Only Newkirk could get into this much trouble without trying".


	4. Chapter 4

See? Posting an update ahead of schedule. Just as an apology for missing so many updates.

* * *

CHAPTER 4

Newkirk slept through that day and was back to normal for the following one. By noon, Kinch was hovering over the radio waiting for word that the Luftwaffe general had been spotted in the hotel. Hogan paced and glowered at everyone who tried to engage him in conversation.

Carter hadn't noticed Hogan's bad mood and came into the barracks to collapse at the table. "Wow, boy, doing exercises is hard when it's cold outside. I mean, it warms a body up but still." He turned to Hogan. "Colonel, I was wondering, how are we supposed to get back to the hotel so Newkirk can rob the safe anyway?"

"Carter, when I know that, you'll be the first to know." Hogan tried to glare but it was always hard to glare into Carter's sunny disposition. This was no exception.

"Well, I figured that if you can't come up with a really good plan, we can always just sneak out and break in! I mean, it's not that much harder than sneaking out to blow up a bridge, right?" Carter dug in a pocket and brought out one of his strings to begin making a cat's cradle between his gloved fingers. "It's kind of a long walk, just ask Newkirk! He walked it but it took him hours so we'd have to get a truck or car from the motorpool, but we've done it before, right? So you know, that's a plan right there! Not that your plan won't be ten times better, sir, because you always think up really good plans." He rather absentmindedly strung the lines into a complex pattern and turned his hands about to look at it. "Has Kinch heard anything from town yet?" His cheerful face turned to Hogan and he held up the string pattern to show it off.

"No, not yet. But I'm expecting to hear soon." Hogan laughed softly, his bad mood evaporated suddenly. "That's a nice one." He motioned to the gloves. "You know, it'd probably be easier without the gloves."

"Well, what would the fun be in that?" Carter undid the string and suddenly jumped up. "I'm gonna go find Newkirk and show him." He headed for the door as quickly as he'd entered.

Hogan stopped him. "Once you've shown Newkirk, tell him I want to see him here. Find LeBeau too."

"Sure thing boy... I mean sir!" Carter bustled out, string in hand to look for his friends.

Hogan checked the door and then motioned for a nearby man to keep watch while he went down into the tunnels. Finding Kinch, he saw the radioman tense when he walked up and made sure to clap a hand on his shoulder and smile. "Any word?"

"No sir." Kinch relaxed at the evidence of Hogan's improved mood. "BlueBird should be available in the next twenty minutes or so, but he could be late."

"Good good." Hogan gave a rueful smile. "Sorry if I've been snapping at you. These plans are important and we need to get them to London. With these papers, we can help the Allies know where the next big German air offensive is planned and how many planes they're sending. It's something that could save many lives and I don't want to blow it." He inhaled and glared at the radio a moment. "Now if the Germans would just cooperate and that general show up on time so we can go steal his precious papers, things would be just spiffy."

Kinch nodded. "Sometimes I think these Germans just don't want us to win, sir." He glanced up and saw Hogan trying to suppress a smile. "Don't worry, sir. We already know the General plans on staying at the hotel in town, and if he does, he'll certainly keep the plans in the safe."

"Yes, and as soon as I figure out how to get us there to steal them, things will be great." Hogan sighed. "Carter suggested we just sneak out."

Kinch thought it over carefully. "Wouldn't be the first time."

There was a cheep from the radio and Kinch hurried to place the earphones on his head. Hogan waited impatiently as he scribbled down the message and handed it over. "General at the hotel." said Hogan. "Good. Now I have to figure out how to get there." He motioned at the radio. "Send acknowledgment and shut down for the day. Meeting in my office in fifteen minutes."

He climbed the ladder back up into the barracks. Taking a cup of coffee, he wandered outside to check on the compound. He spotted Carter leading LeBeau and Newkirk towards the barracks. Newkirk was back to his usual jaunty self although from the look of the trio, LeBeau was rapidly taking him down a few notches. Since most of the insults were being delivered in French, he wasn't sure how effective they were.

"I found them, Colonel Hogan!" Carter didn't seem fazed by the loud argument taking place behind him.

"So I see... and I also see we have company." Hogan nodded towards the main gate where an unfamiliar staff car was being passed through.

Newkirk and LeBeau noticed as well. LeBeau spoke first. "That's a high ranking Lufewaffe officer."

"That's my guess too." Newkirk lit himself a cigarette as he watched it drive across to the kommandantur. Schultz rushed to open the door and came to attention. "A major? Were we expecting any majors?"

"These Germans, they never call ahead properly." Hogan jerked his chin towards the barracks door. "Let's listen in, folks."

As they filed inside, Kinch came up from the tunnels and closed the bunk entrance. Carter called out to him. "There's a Kraut major here!"

They got the coffeepot listening device set up in time to hear Klink fawning over the major in greeting.

"Major Feigenbaum! What a surprise! I did not expect to see you again so soon. I do hope you enjoyed our little party the other night." Klink's voice sounded nervous.

An unfamiliar voice barked at him. "Silence! I did not enjoy the party once I realized that one of your prisoners stole General Hafner's briefcase! I intend to find out which one of them took it and get it back immediately!"

Hogan looked around. "Wait, we stole a briefcase? Who's holding out on me?"

All eyes turned to Newkirk and he held up his hands. "No no, I didn't take anything!" When no one seemed to believe him, he insisted. "I swear, mates! I didn't!"

Klink had progressed into panicked confusion. "Oh but I assure you, my prisoners did not..."

"General Hafner says they did! One of them was seen outside of the floor the party was on, in fact, he was spotted on the same floor that the general's room was located on!"

Eyes returned to Newkirk who continued to protest. "I was looking at the safe! I didn't take the bloody general's briefcase."

Klink began to profess his innocence but Major Feigenbaum cut him off. "I will see the prisoners that served at the party. Whichever one it is will be taken back to the hotel so General Hafner can interrogate him in person."

Newkirk paled slightly but made an effort to appear nonchalant. "Well, at least now we know how I'm getting back to the 'otel, right?" He swallowed hard and his eyes darted away, betraying the underlying panic. "I really didn't take the thing."

Hogan clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll be going with you. They can't take you away without your senior officer to witness any interrogation. For once, we're actually innocent of the charges so we'll manage to figure out something and then we'll be at the hotel so maybe, if we've got any sort of luck on our side, we'll get a chance to retrieve the papers too."

Newkirk nodded, visibly relaxing as Hogan included himself in the mix. "Carter, get me that miniature camera, I can stick it down inside a seam on me jacket if I'm quick enough."

Hogan waved for Kinch to put the coffeepot away. "Everyone make sure you haven't got anything naughty in your pockets in case the major decides to search us in Klink's office. Remember, we're dealing with the Lufewaffe, not the Gestapo so don't panic." He moved quickly to the main room of the barracks.

Carter rushed up to hand Newkirk a tiny camera disguised as a lighter. "I couldn't find the smaller one, will this do?"

"Perfect, mate." Newkirk palmed it and dropped it into a pocket. He grabbed his heavy outer coat. "If one of 'em takes it away, I can just lift it back 'opefully." Schultz came in the door and Newkirk managed to bury every expression of nervousness as he greeted the big guard. "Schultz! Now what are you doing, busting in 'ere without knocking, mate? You know that's rude..." He shut up when Schultz gave him a warning look and stepped aside to come to attention. "Company..."

"Achtung!" Schultz's eyes pleaded with them to behave and not give any trouble. The men of the barracks fell into place beside their bunks properly as the Kommandant and the major walked in. "Kommandant Klink wishes to see Colonel Hogan immediately!"

Hogan stepped up casually tucking his thumbs into the pockets of his bomber jacket. "Kommandant. If I had only known that we'd get company today, we'd have baked a cake."

Kommandant Klink didn't look amused. "Hogan, I want all the prisoners who worked at the party lined up, right away!"

Hogan nodded at his men. LeBeau, Carter, Kinch and Newkirk obliged him, stepping over and lining up to stand in front of the kommandant. "This is all the ones that volunteered at your party. What's this all about? Someone complain about the service?"

The major ignored his banter to stalk up the line. He sneered at Kinchloe, dismissed LeBeau and peered closely at Carter before deciding on Newkirk. "This man. This one matches the description." He swiveled on his heel and glared at Klink angrily. "I demand he be brought back to the hotel so the general can question him in person."

"What'd I do?" Newkirk kept his tone to one of innocent confusion even as his stomach turned over.

Hogan interrupted. "Now see here, you can't be taking prisoners out of the stalag! Corporal Newkirk was part of a voluntary work party and he did all that was asked of him. I demand to know why he's being taken away!"

Klink puffed a bit. "Apparently General Hafner's briefcase disappeared and he thinks that one of you took it. Major Feigenbaum is here to try to clear up this matter."

The major was not pleased and turned on Klink. "Briefcases do not 'disappear' on their own, especially not when they are filled with sensitive materials that cannot fall into the wrong hands!" He waved a hand at Newkirk who edged slightly out of range. "I will take this man to the general immediately!"

Hogan stepped up beside Newkirk. "Not without me, you won't! This is a blatant violation of the Geneva Convention! You can't drag a prisoner off the grounds and interrogate him without any proof! I demand to be present!"

"Bah! Bring them both! Klink, if it's proven that these men took that briefcase, you'd better plan on packing your bags for the Russian Front! General Hafner is not lenient with those that cause breaches in security!" He stomped out leaving Klink to insist he had no choice but to let the major take the two prisoners.

Hogan and Newkirk were both cuffed and escorted to the staff car. The impatient major scowled angrily at everyone as they left, ignoring Klink's continued protests of innocence.

* * *

End chapter

Told you there was more...


	5. Chapter 5

I'm so happy that you guys are enjoying. Resolving the cliffhanger in 5... 4... 321 goread!

* * *

Chapter 5

The two POWs were shoved and pushed into the hotel lobby. Hogan protested indignantly about their treatment. Newkirk kept his mouth shut, leaving the complaining to the officer. As he stumbled slightly, his eyes fixed on a familiar slender lady and he sucked in a fearful breath.

Her expression instantly became distressed and he tried to shake his head a little. His guard frowned and started to turn to look and Newkirk spoke up quickly, trying to cover. "Oi! This is no way to treat an officer! That's a Colonel you're manhandling!" The guards all seemed to be glaring at him but at least they weren't looking at the lady. He was given a rough shove forward and the guards escorted them upstairs.

* * *

Over Hogan's protests, they were separated and led to different rooms. As his guard fastened his cuffs securely to a sturdy chair, Hogan began to hope that his corporal could come up with a plausible story about being seen in the halls the night before. Normally, snowing Germans was the Colonel's job. Hogan scooted his chair around a bit but his wrists remained locked to the frame.

* * *

Newkirk watched his own guard leave, doing his best to look the part of a frightened and cowed prisoner. This was most definitely not how he had pictured returning to the hotel. He really would prefer to concentrate on just getting out of the situation alive but no, the Colonel would be dead set on retrieving those papers while they were here too. Sometimes Newkirk wondered if Hogan realized they could really be shot on the whim of a German. He seemed remarkably unconcerned about that risk. Newkirk on the other hand, couldn't seem to focus on much else.

Right now his thoughts were also of the young lady who had seemed so horrified to see him back in the hands of his German captors. He felt the heat of embarrassment, having her believe he was so incompetent as to be recaptured so soon. His eyes widened as he realized she might try freeing him again. Surely with the General and major and all of the guards, she would realize it was too risky though. He hoped so. The last thing he needed right now was any added complications to his already hopelessly tangled situation.

It wasn't very long before the major came into his room, followed by an irritated looking general. Newkirk was scowled at and tried to put his best 'confused and innocent' face on.

"This is the one. I am convinced that he is the one I saw in the halls." The general flicked a hand at the seated prisoner. "Beat the information out of him if you must but locate that briefcase."

"I don't 'ave any briefcase." Newkirk spoke up quickly before the general could leave. "I swear, herr general! I never took anything! I was looking for the coatroom to get someone's jacket. I got lost, you see, and I came right back, herr general!" He could see his pleas were not impressing either of the Germans. He would plead all day if it delayed a beating.

"Nonsense. It's obvious that you stole it." Before the annoyed general could continue, one of his guards rushed in with a message. "Was is los?" He unfolded the paper to read it while the major drew on leather gloves and flexed his hands in preparation. "Wait."

Newkirk had already clenched his eyes shut in anticipation of the first blow but risked opening one eye to watch the general reading the note a second time. "The Gestapo has stopped my aide at the Dusseldorf train depot. He was trying to board the train without travel authorization and… he had my case of papers! That traitor!" The general crushed the paper in one fist. "I shall have him shot! Come! We must go to Gestapo headquarters." He twisted on his heel to leave.

The major waved at a confused Newkirk. "But what about the POWs?"

Now thoroughly annoyed, the general waved a hand vaguely. "Leave them. Call the stalag to come pick them up." The two Germans left, although the major looked disappointed.

Newkirk sat for a few moments before he wriggled around in his chair. A moment of work on his cuffs and he was free and listening at the door. He could hear voices but they were distant and muffled. Cracking the door open, he saw an empty hallway.

Now he had to think. If they were to sit and wait for Stalag 13 to send a truck, then he had at least half an hour or perhaps even as much as an hour depending on if Schultz was the driver. He would bet hard cash that the colonel would want that safe cracked and the job done.

He peeped out again. They had put Newkirk into his room first so he really didn't know exactly where they had put Hogan. A uniformed RAF airman could hardly go opening doors all over looking for Colonel Hogan. He shut the door to think. He didn't need to think very long. His CO would be clear about the job getting done. Newkirk sighed. And here he'd thought that his dangerous part in the war was mostly done with when he'd been captured.

Sneaking down the hallways took him a few minutes, most of it spent behind a very large potted plant. Two flights of thankfully empty stairs later, Newkirk poked his head around a corner and came face-to-face with his lady liberator.

She gasped loudly and grabbed him by his uniform blouse. Newkirk backed up quickly, drawing her into the nearest room and quietly shutting the door.

He shushed the exclamations. "Shh, I know but it's okay," he paused. He couldn't very well tell her the truth. As nice as she seemed, he didn't know anything about her. It rankled his pride but he gave a rueful smile. "I'm just not very good at escaping. But they really 'aven't treated me bad so you can just go on about your business." Newkirk listened to her protesting and interrupted. "But really! I don't want you to put yourself in any more danger, love. It's too risky."

Her eyes became flinty and her voice rose slightly. "I do not care about the risk! I must help you so you may continue to fight against the abominations that have taken over my country!"

Alarmed at how loud she was becoming, Newkirk cracked the door to check. Three SS officers strode past only feet away and he shut the door as softly as he could. "Shhh… quiet!" Now his mind raced in circles. He couldn't reveal the operation but he also didn't want any of the SS goons overhearing her words and taking her away either. At the very least, he needed to get her out of the hotel before her anti-Nazi words got her shot. "Okay, okay, let's go."

Once again he found himself following the slender woman down hallways and into a room. His arms caught her as they used the window to exist the hotel. The scent from her soft wool dress made him wish for at least a few seconds that this endeavor wasn't life-or-death.

Inside his head, Newkirk was counting minutes. Once they were a few blocks away, he stopped and pointed at the trees he could see down one of the side roads. "Look, I'll get into the woods, you just go 'ome. I'll be fine." Giving her a gentle push on her way, he trotted away, glancing behind himself to see that he headed off towards her own home. As soon as she was out of sight, he turned and made his way back to the hotel.

Newkirk was ducking behind some bins of rubbish when he heard the loud rumble of one of the camp trucks. Peeking out, he saw it rolling to a stop in front of the hotel. Klink and Langenscheidt got out and from Klink's gesticulating, their kommandant wasn't pleased about having to come get his own POWs.

"Bloody 'ell. The Colonel is going to skin me alive, 'e is." Newkirk rushed to find the right side of the building and scurried up a drainpipe to find the right window. Getting it pried open with one free hand was difficult but once inside he wasted no time getting into his chair and snapping the cuffs back into place.

He was just barely in time as Klink jerked open the door to glare down his nose at him.

Newkirk heaved a deep sigh. "Kommandant Klink! I can't say 'ow 'appy I am to see you!"

Klink stepped closer, peering at him suspiciously. "Why are you happy to see me?"

Newkirk blinked innocently. "Well, that other fellow was going to beat me bloody for stuff I didn't do! At least you're always fair about things."

Klink still didn't look convinced but had noticed something else suspicious. "Why are you sweating?"

Swallowing carefully, Newkirk tried to think. "Well, wouldn't you sweat if you were waiting for some Kraut to come beat you?"

Klink gave that some consideration. "Stop calling we German officers 'Krauts'." He waved a hand negligently. "Unlock his cuffs and take him to the truck with Hogan." He left, striding off while Langenscheidt brought in Hogan. The guard seemed wary but pleased to see neither prisoner looked harmed.

Once he unlocked Newkirk's wrists, he pointed to the door. "Come, we go back to camp now." Langenscheidt smiled while indicating the way with a nod of his head. "You will be safe back in the camp in time for supper."

Newkirk rolled his eyes. "I'm not sure that's a good thing."

Hogan was trying to gauge Newkirk's expression. "Well getting back to the stalag is a good thing, Corporal Langenscheidt is right. Right, Newkirk?" His gaze seemed to penetrate the back of Newkirk's skull.

Newkirk glanced behind himself. "Oh, I don't know, sir. I mean..." his eyes went to their guard for an instant. "I could go for a nice visit in town. Get a beer, chat with some locals, maybe even a bird or two."

As Newkirk expected, Hogan did not look pleased. "Birds again? You seem to have a lot of trouble when it comes to ladies, Newkirk."

Turning his gaze forward to avoid Hogan, Newkirk tried to keep his tone light as they spoke in front of the curious guard. "Well, it's not my fault."

Despite the careful wording, Langenscheidt seemed interested. "Why would you say this, Colonel Hogan? Corporal Newkirk has been a prisoner longer than you have. He has not met any ladies."

Hogan smiled tensely. "Oh well, even in his own _imagination_ Newkirk doesn't seem to have much luck. Maybe I need to teach him a few things." His tone left very little for Newkirk to doubt. "He is a very slow learner though."

Newkirk just sighed. Why was it always _his_ fault?

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end Chapter

Because Newkirk it always IS your fault. Just saying... stop being so darned noble. Well no, don't, because we love you when you're noble.


	6. Chapter 6

Apologies for the late update. Thank you all who have reviewed. I know things are busy right now for a lot of people.

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Chapter 6

Back in camp and in the privacy of the barracks, Newkirk was attempting to explain. Kinch and LeBeau had joined Hogan in his office.

"But sir, I tried! I was just a couple doors away when she saw me."

Hogan had crossed his arms tightly as he frowned. "So you could avoid being spotted by every German in the hotel, except for the one in a skirt?"

LeBeau was perched on the edge of the table. He had openly scoffed at the whole story. "The _pretty_ German in a skirt! Please! Newkirk is obviously picky when it comes to ladies."

"I'm telling the truth! I couldn't very well let the SS 'ear 'er little speech and if they arrested 'er, why she'd tell them that she already rescued me once and none of us need any suspicious SS types poking their noses into things." Newkirk beseeched his comrades. "I'll bloody go back and do the thing! I don't care, but I didn't 'ave time to get the papers what with getting 'er out of the ruddy 'otel. It's not like anyone else was loose to 'elp me any, now was it?" He regretted the snippy comment almost immediately.

"Not everyone has your ill-gotten skills, Newkirk," replied Hogan tersely. He paced away and came back. "We'll go back tonight, after evening rollcall. Kinch, arrange for a car from the motorpool and contact the Underground to let them know we're coming in and not to be lurking about the hotel. We'll get the safe open tonight." His eyes fastened on Newkirk. "Or Newkirk will die trying."

Kinch hid his smile as Newkirk rolled his eyes, completely unbothered by the implied threat. "Very funny, sir. You know, I could keep myself and my 'ill-gotten skills' in camp and one of you guys could just go get all those important papers and maps out all by yourselves."

Hogan scowled at him, and now Newkirk couldn't see the joking in his expression. "You know, maybe we should do just that. I can just have Carter wire up some explosives to pop open the safe. We don't need you along."

Newkirk paled. "You can't do that! C-Carter doesn't even know that safe! Plus, he'll incinerate everything inside and the blast will bring every SS officer in a five miles radius and 'alf the 'otel is filled with German officers and..."

Hogan slipped an arm around the panicked man's shoulders with a smile. "So you want to come along, ill-gotten skills and all, hmm?"

Sobering as he realized that Hogan had gotten him once again, Newkirk tried to glare weakly. "That wasn't funny."

LeBeau cackled. "That was quite funny. Mon colonel knows how to pull all of your strings." He hopped off the table and smirked up at Newkirk as he left the room. "I knew he wasn't serious the whole time! Because I remember that we have to get those papers without the stupid Bosch realizing we got them. Sneaky, not blatant."

Newkirk snorted. "Oh aren't you the smart one, then." He walked out after the little Frenchman. "Well, we'd take you along only you wouldn't be able to reach any of the paper if they put them on the top shelf."

"Oh! You take that back!" LeBeau twisted on his heel and shouted up into Newkirk's face, unaware that he'd raised up on his toes automatically as he tried to appear taller to the Englishman. "I'll show you who is short!"

"Me kneecaps are shaking in fear." Newkirk taunted him happily.

Kinch scooted around the shouting pair carefully. "I'll just go downstairs and get this stuff done, sir."

"Thanks Kinch." Hogan leaned on the doorframe to watch the familiar sight of the two men arguing loudly. Their shouts would eventually either degrade into a scuffle or more likely bring a guard or three in to break up the squabble. Taking into consideration the likelihood of a guard coming in at the wrong time, and the affect of the decibel levels on everyone else's ears, Hogan opened up the barracks door to point. "Take it outside, gentlemen."

Rather than causing them to cease fighting, Hogan was amused when they agreeably grabbed up coats and hats to stomp out into the yard, shouting insults at each other without pause. They'd finally gotten to the point of LeBeau using French and Newkirk allowing his accent to take over so that no one but them could understand what they were saying. As he closed the door, shutting most of the noise outside, Hogan sighed. "Some days, I wonder about those two."

Carter looked up from his bunk where he was reading a paperback book. "Oh they're okay, sir. They just like to argue." He listened to the muffled shouting outside. "If one of the guards tries to harass one of them, they'll switch to yelling at the guard instead. That's why I don't try to get them to stop anymore. They kept yelling at me!" The young American turned back to his book smugly. "But if they end up in the cooler, I'll blow that safe open, sir. And I won't incinerate the stuff inside either. It would just take a little bit of nitro and I can make that pretty quick and then POW!" His eye gleamed. "I bet I could knock the door right off it's hinges and everything."

Hogan reached to pat his shoulder. "Easy. LeBeau was right about us needing to do this quietly." Carter's face fell a little and Hogan smiled. "Maybe next time, okay?"

"Yes sir. Maybe we'll get a train job soon. Newkirk can't crack open a set of train tracks." Carter still seemed a little bit sulky over not getting to blow open a safe.

Hogan left him to his book and dreams of explosives and took himself off to check on the rest of the camp. Although at times it seemed like a full time job to keep the sabotage unit running, he was still the Senior POW in camp and as such, he also made certain the regular camp duties were running properly. Even with a small network of assigned barracks' leaders, Hogan preferred to be available for anything before it blew up into an issue.

He put his comfortable smile on his face and walked across the compound, passing two guards who had finally decided to interfere in the shouting match between Newkirk and LeBeau. As he could have predicted, the shouting changed tone as both prisoners turned on the guards. He sighed softly. Hogan was fairly certain that the two would keep themselves under control enough to not be tossed into the cooler, but occasionally they seemed to forget moderation in favor of completely outrageous theatrics.

Maybe they'd been prisoners too long. Hogan smiled suddenly. Maybe they'd all been prisoners too long.

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End Chapter


	7. Chapter 7

Perhaps the third time's the charm? Will they manage to get into that safe or is this mission simply doomed completely? Will Newkirk's imaginary lady prove real? Will they all be caught?

Thank you all for reading and a special thanks to the reviewers. Nothing encourages a writer more than a review saying what you liked. Thanks to all.

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Chapter 7

It was quite late at night when Newkirk pulled the purloined staff car up to park on the street near the hotel. He got out and stepped around to open the door for Hogan to exit, both of them dressed neatly in Luftwaffe uniforms. Hogan straightened his own tie slightly as he looked around the quiet streets. The only people who should be moving around at this hour of night were military and civilian authorities.

Newkirk had already closed the car door and stepped to one side, waiting patiently. He seemed to be able to present himself as the perfect aide, always ready to assist or back up his officer and always ready to put in a quip or threat to put Hogan in the best light at the time. LeBeau was very nearly his equal when it came to assuming a role, with the glaring exception of his French accent. Carter was a consummate actor when it came to high ranked officers. That is, when he didn't forget to be unfriendly.

Hogan jerked his chin at the hotel entrance, and they headed towards it quickly, looking like impatient Luftwaffe officers on an important task. Newkirk opened doors for the officer and then stepped past him to bang on the front desk at the night clerk. "Herr Oberst requires a room immediately!"

The clerk jerked awake and flailed slightly as he came to his feet from the chair he'd been dozing in. "Yes! Yes right away of course!" He scrambled to grab the correct key and push the ledger across the desk for Newkirk to scribble a mark onto it. Newkirk kept up a constant barrage of threats and demands on behalf of the officer standing behind him impassively.

Hogan stood silently, watching from the corner of his eye as if disinterested in anything happening. The more off-balance the clerk was, the less he would notice in the way of details about his two late night visitors. He had debated coming in civilian clothing and simply sneaking in, but traveling the roads in a staffcar and being noticed on the street or even inside the hotel would be questioned a great deal more than two Luftwaffe. His mouth quirked upwards just slightly. Especially two annoyed grumpy Luftwaffe. No one wanted to have any military officer noticing them.

With a final threat about vermin in the room, Newkirk snatched the key away from the clerk and gestured towards the stairs, deferring to his superior officer with all of the grace he'd omitted from his dealings with the civilian clerk. "Herr Oberst, your room is above..." Newkirk turned a glare on the clerk. "...on the _second_ floor."

The clerk uttered a slight squeak and apologized in a stammer. Newkirk sneered and waved him off as they walked away.

As soon as they left the lobby, Hogan glanced at him. "You get more brazen every time you do that. One day the clerk is going to faint dead away and then what?"

Newkirk's step had gone to a jaunty one already. "Then I'll get the bloody key myself and perhaps 'elp myself to the brandy under the counter 'e was sipping on." He indicated a side hall and they moved to the rear stairs. It didn't take very long before they were in the room with the safe.

Hogan kept watch at the door while Newkirk worked on the safe. The thief muttered softly to himself as he turned the dial slowly, trying to listen to internal tumblers or feel the soft tremble under his fingertips as the right number clicked into place. Twice he quieted and spun the dial to reset it and began again. Hogan glanced to see him lean against the door and close his eyes as he concentrated.

Even though to Hogan any safe seemed to be just as easy or hard as another, Newkirk continued to insist that some were more difficult, or even on the rare occasion, impossible for him to crack. Considering that they all looked the same to Hogan, he didn't understand. On one occasion, they had found the safe to open was huge, almost the size of a small room with a door big enough to drive a small car through. Although Hogan would have expected that to be a problem, Newkirk hadn't flinched and opened it with ease. Then the very next safe was left intact and locked, although it was no bigger than Klink's "crackerbox" that Newkirk claimed to be able to open in his sleep.

After that, Hogan sat the corporal down and had a long chat. He'd intended to address the possibility that Newkirk's nerves were getting the better of him, that he just needed confidence in his abilities in order to open any safe. Instead he'd been subjected to a long complex discussion of tumblers, dogs, locks, pins and gears attached to things inside the safe or frame or locks until he'd given in and nodded as if it made sense. Apparently the outside of a safe didn't always mean anything about how hard the lock was to open up. After that, Hogan deferred to Newkirk's seemingly endless knowledge of safes and locks.

A soft exclamation made him look again to see Newkirk tugging the door open finally. Soon he heard the clicks of the camera as he took photos of relevant papers and maps. Hogan came to check the safe contents in case there were any additional bonuses for them to steal. He found a few pages of train schedules with what looked to be ammunition loads listed and set that into the pile to be photographed.

It seemed very little time before Hogan heard the low thunk of the safe door being closed. Newkirk joined him at the door. "All done. Ready for the fun part, guv'ner?"

Hogan sighed but nodded. Although slipping out of the rear of the hotel would have been their preference, they had a good cover going and causing any question about disappearing officers would simply be foolish. So it was sneaking back up the rear stairs to the assigned room where Newkirk seemed delighted to tear things apart. The bedding was tossed about the room along with anything else easily lifted. Hogan mostly spent the few moments loudly complaining about the poor state of the room and furnishings. He waved for Newkirk to leave and rolled his eyes when the Englishman took a few last seconds to upend the mattress.

"I vill not stay in such a pigsty, Putzi!" Hogan gestured more urgently and Newkirk reluctantly left the destruction behind to stomp down the main stairs with him.

As soon as they got close to the lobby, he raised his voice. "I apologize, herr oberst!, the clerk assured me it vould be a clean room. I had no idea he vas lying!" His loud protests mixed with Hogan's ranting ensured the desk clerk was no where in sight when they swept through the lobby. As they strode outside, both slowed to a purposeful walk so as to not draw any attention to themselves.

As they headed towards the car, Hogan frowned at Newkirk. "Why do you enjoy destroying a room that way? Sometimes I wonder about you."

Newkirk didn't react, merely looking over calmly. "Pardon, sir, remind me who threatened to send a _hotel_ to the Russian Front again? _After_ destroying the entire lobby?"

"Point taken." Hogan smirked a little. "Let's get back to camp. London and the Underground have waited long enough for these..." he trailed off as he realized Newkirk had stopped at a crossroad. "What are you doing? This is no hour to be window shopping." Hogan walked back and looked to see what had caught Newkirk's attention just as the man took off running down the side street. "Newkirk!" hissed Hogan angrily. "Get back here!" He followed, quickly picking up the noise of a lady screaming. "No, no, no, dammit, Newkirk..."

He turned the corner just as Newkirk was yanking a young woman from the grip of a policeman. Before Newkirk could say anything, Hogan burst onto the scene. "Ah gut! You found her!" He quickly slid between Newkirk and the German. "I apologize, my sister is not herself these days, you understand. We were just searching for her, poor distraught girl."

"Was is los?" The policeman looked confused which encouraged Hogan.

"Ja, ja, I know, she is out after curfew, which is why we were looking for her… she just had bad news… you understand..." Hogan reached to herd the lady and Newkirk back along the road. He heard her begin to protest and Newkirk quickly drew her face into his chest to muffle any protest. "See, she is so upset, thank you for helping us find her." Hogan nodded and smiled sadly at the young man. "We shall made certain that she does not go out again tonight. Danke, truly. I shall make certain to mention your name to my commander."

Newkirk had kept a tight grip on the lady, tugging her along with him as he headed back along the alley towards where they had parked the car. His face looked anxious and he was having trouble keeping the woman contained against his chest. Hogan hoped that her struggles looked like an angry sister and not like a kidnap victim. He did _not_ want to deal with the civilian police.

Once they got to the car, Hogan checked that the streets were empty. "It's clear… what were you thinking?"

Newkirk turned to him. "Sir, she saved me… I couldn't let them just arrest 'er!"

Hogan looked down at the irate female still struggling in Newkirk's arms. "You mean… this is her? She's real? I mean, you really didn't make her up?"

Rolling his eyes, Newkirk gave him a look of exasperation. "Yes, she's bloody real!" He finally turned her to look at him. "Look, love, it's me! You're okay!"

She focused on his face and then paled as she recognized him. "Nein!" Her eyes grew wider as she stared at his Luftwaffe uniform.

"No, no, it's okay! I am English..." Newkirk gave up and wrapped an arm around her waist to keep her more or less still. "Sir, we 'ave to do something with 'er."

"Well, now we do!" Hogan took a breath in and then gestured to the car. "Put her in the trunk. We'll take her to the closest safehouse and see if the Underground knows her."

Although he looked very regretful about it, Newkirk managed to shove her into the trunk and get it shut firmly. "Sir, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for..."

"I know, I know, it's never your fault. You're a magnet for trouble. Especially trouble involving women." Hogan got into the passenger seat, letting Newkirk drive.

"Well I could point out..." began Newkirk.

Hogan cut him off instantly. "Newkirk, I'm not in the mood right now to hear how many examples you can come up with that involve me." He watched the corporal's face close up. "Of course, you couldn't just walk away from a woman being attacked on the street but… couldn't you just not attract so many complications?"

"Yes sir." Newkirk's response was still a little bit sullen. "Sorry sir." There was a sharp thump from the trunk. "She's not very 'appy back there."

"When we get to Hendrik's place, you're getting her out." Hogan's expression dared Newkirk to protest. "She's your imaginary rescuer, so you get to deal with her."

"Yes sir." Yes, definitely a sullen tone in there now.

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End Chapter

He really is a magnet for trouble.


End file.
